About Me
I am Heifervescent.
I am an aspiring Burlesque Dancer and Goddess.
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I am Plus Size and Unapologetically Extra - that means there's more of me to love and if you don't like it? You don't deserve any of me anyway. GTFO. Now. There's the door... Unless you prefer I toss your ass out, because I don't need that kind of negativity in my life.
I'm on this incredible journey... how do I even begin? To quote The Princess Bride, "I'll explain... No. Is too much. I'll sum up..."
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I was raised to hate myself. I was raised in a world that said in order to be beautiful, one must diminish herself. I was raised to believe that my weight was inversely proportionate to my self worth (ironically, I was also raised to believe that it was ok for me to be bad at math because I'm a girl...). I was doing weight watchers at eight years old. I went to fat camps, counted calories, hated myself, and allowed people to do things to me because I believed that my body needed to be an apology for not being what society said I should be: thin.
I married a covert narcissist and lied to myself for a decade about how blissfully happy I was with a man who had completely lost interest in me as anything more than a family care plan, live in babysitter, and emergency backup source of affection when his supply of other women was running low by the time we got home from our wedding.
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And then... One day, I woke up. I can't even say it was just 'one day' because it was definitely a gradual awakening over the course of months, and it was prompted by therapy. It began when my then-husband decided that we needed to be polyamorous, and so I started reading about polyamory and ethical non-monogamy, and realized that something was very wrong. A lot of somethings were very wrong. Because I had wants and needs, and I had shoved those out of the way for a decade because I didn't believe I deserved to have those things, I needed to make the people around me happy and, I guess, live vicariously through that. I diminished my needs so others could continue being selfish, to my detriment. But it had begun... that process of the truth dawning, those faint rays of understanding reaching over the horizon to begin brushing illumination over a harsh wasteland of bullshit.
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Yep. I did just say bullshit. Because it is bullshit.
In the last year of my life, I have ended my disaster of a marriage on my terms, stood firm in the onslaught of my ex's narcissistic rage as he realized that I no longer worshipped the quicksand he walked on, began to rediscover and reinvent myself, found the courage to go
out into the world without anyone holding my hand to try new things, or revisit old things that I had forgotten I enjoy, lost a lot of people that I believed were permanent fixtures in my life but who were really just toxic and couldn't handle me growing and evolving into someone healthy and happy, and made some incredible new friends. Today, I am unrecognizable from who I was just a year ago. I look different. I carry myself differently. I speak differently. I expect different things from people. I talk to myself differently. And what, you may ask, is that difference? It's quite simple.
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I have begun to love myself. I have started to accept who and what I am, right here in this moment, as I am, instead of rejecting myself in favor of some future perfect fantasy self. You know the one, because you probably have that exact same model of your future perfect self on display in your head... The one where you've lost weight or toned up or developed a thigh gap or whatever it is you feel like you need to do so that you'll be good enough for society to embrace you. Yeah that. I've rejected that and turned it back around so that I can be happy to be me just as I am. I've started to view my body as neutral, neither good nor bad, simply the vessel I live in.
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Does it mean I'm perfect? Nope. I never will be, and I will always strive to be a better version of myself. Would I like to lose weight? Yes. For my health. Not so I can be 'good enough' for myself or anyone else. Because, "If I'm not good enough for you at 'palms are sweaty,' you don't get me at 'mom's spaghetti.'"
Anyhow. This site, especially my blog, is mostly about my journey. Because I know I'm not the only one on this journey. Not even a little bit alone here. I've already met some incredible, amazing women who I'm hand-in-hand with, walking through the valley of the shadow of society's bullshit and making our way out the other side. I fully intend on creating a safe, brave space here, and I fully intend on holding this door open for anyone else who wants to join me - who wants to join US.
Make no mistake... this is a journey. It's a rough journey. It's a long journey. It's going to require some effort on your part if you decide it's a journey you want to take. And tears. Sometimes, I feel like the price of this journey is paid in tears.
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But it is absolutely worth it. And the journey is maybe even more important than the destination.
